With all the poise of a cannonball

Over the past few weeks, I haven't been able to stop listening to the Decemberists' new album, Crane Wife. And it doesn't feel like I'm going to get over it soon. I've even passed up Beatles to listen to this CD. It's that good.

In their song "When the war came," they make the statement, "A terrible autonomy has grafted onto you and me."

Jess and I are looking for a church. And it's not really going too great so far. It's this terrible autonomy that has grafted onto me.

I don't know if I'm overthinking this or what. I am wondering if something is wrong with me.

I want a church that I can relate to, but just being able to relate to a group of people doesn't mean it's the right church. Some of the people I relate best to are stoners and alcoholics. I want a church that believes the same things that I do, but I don't feel like I should just be shopping for a certain combination of phrases in a church doctrinal statement. I want a pastor that I can talk to and relate with, but I don't want to interview potential spiritual leaders. I want a church that I can be involved with, but I don't want to compare resumes against personnel shortages.
But I think that the blessing of church is intimately connected with all of these things.

And besides all of that, everytime we go to a church, I feel guilty because I'm being so analytical and judgemental. But there are all these things that make me want to start screaming and throwing hymnals.

Mostly I feel like churches don't get it anymore--that they are somehow disconnected from a) the real world and b) what they are really supposed to be doing. It seems like church is some weird country club that only lets in some certain type of people. And sometimes that type of person varies from place to place, and sometimes the "type" is a warm, welcoming, yuppie/hippie mix with a well-groomed beard resting between a dark polo shirt and a balding head.

I really think there is something wrong with the way we operate. We market our churches, and attack each other about every little difference in the way we think. But I think that what we believe is important. And there has to be some way to let people know who we are, right?

I get frustrated because some of the churches are so consumer-friendly. The bulletin is three pages of activities for fathers and daughters, or young married couples, or empty-nesters, or balding men, or married teenagers with dachshunds. I'm sure that you can have lots of fun, but I don't attend church for the father/daughter roller disco classes.

And then there are these other churches that don't give a crap about building a community within the church or becoming a productive part of their local community. And the only time they mention the rest of society is when they are telling you how to vote.

Because of my work schedule, I haven't been able to attend church regularly since the beginning of last summer. And I hate to admit it, but not going to church was such a relief. And now I have to face this, and it is driving me nuts. And the thing is, I think the reason I am so frustrated is that I'm not involved in a church. It's like not being a part of a community is making me forget how to assimilate into a community. I don't know.

I just wish I could find a church I don't hate.