Du Hast Meche
I think it would be easier to look at myself in the mirror if God hated me.
I don't listen to music on the radio. Not for any moral reason. I simply think that most of the music played on the radio is crap. It is generally very boring and unimaginative. Cookie cutter songs sang by fluffy little pop stars. I hate it. And generally, when something fresh and unique comes out, I already have been listening to it for 9 months. For example, Fallout Boy, Death Cab for Cutie, the Killers, My Chemical Romance, Hawthorne Heights, Yellowcard, Bowling for Soup, Good Charlotte, Simple Plan... and I could name many more. I had been listening and enjoying them all until they started being played on the radio. Then, they started being overplayed. And everything, absolutely everything is overplayed. If a song is decent, they will play it until the first chord triggers your gag reflex. That is why I depend so much on my iPod. It is my only relief from repetitive, mindless, crappy music.
So imagine my surprise when I heard, on the radio, a song that I hadn't heard before, from a group that I hadn't heard before, that was fresh and unique. My first reaction was embarrassment over the fact that I was slipping. But then I started listening to the song a little closer.
The song is called "Hate Me" and it is by a group called Blue October. The lyrics talk about the singer trying to come to grips with his past relationship. He realizes how horribly he treated her. She was always there, she was always willing to help, and he never appreciated her love. And emotionally, it is tearing him apart. Because he loves her and wants the best for her, but he knows that he has ruined any chance of being able to help her. He will always be the guy that broke her heart. So he says, "... hate me so you can finally see what's good for you..."
This really hit home with me. This song applies to so many of my relationships in the past. And not just with girls--with family, roommates, friends, basically everyone that I have been in contact with. I was emotionally oblivious for so long, and I missed opportunities to help out the people that I cared about. I just went about my life, concerned with my problems, and ignoring all else. I can see now how much I hurt my friends, and I truly wish I could go back and fix the damage I have done. I wish I could undo all of the damage. Erase the emotional complexes that I created. It kills me when I think about it. My ignorance and selfishness have been the cause of so much pain that it makes me echo the request of the singer--hate me. I want them to know that I am sorry and that I care about them, but those are empty words next to the actions of my past. I want them to be doing ok, but I am afraid that trying to go back and make amends will just make it worse. So I just hope they have closure. I hope they have peace. And if it means they need to hate me, so be it.
But then, a voice in the back of my head told me to think about God. How much have we hurt Him? He sent his Son to us, and what did we do? What about all of those times that we have sinned? Each and every time we sin we are breaking God's heart. After all He has done for us, we spit on the sacrifice of Christ because of our own selfishness. What right do we have to expect God to love us? How can we thoughtlessly accept God's love? Why would he love us? To think that God still loves me despite all of the things that I have done--how can I ever accept that? How can I live with myself knowing that God loves me so much, and I have lived oblivious to His love? All of the things that He has done for me, all of His love, and what have I been able to give Him in return?
This isn't necessarily a post about theological truth. This is a post about an emotional epiphany. I have heard about this my whole life, but it never really hit home. And I don't think it has totally hit me yet. It has only started. This wave of emotion comes every time I start thinking about it. It is like the feeling with my friends, but not fully developed yet. This might not make sense to all of you. I don't know if I can explain emotions to those of you who have never really felt. It took a lot for me to learn to feel emotions. Maybe some of you haven't gotten there yet. I don't know. But I do know that I am only beginning to see God's love for me. And that I am only beginning to nourish my love for Him.
I don't listen to music on the radio. Not for any moral reason. I simply think that most of the music played on the radio is crap. It is generally very boring and unimaginative. Cookie cutter songs sang by fluffy little pop stars. I hate it. And generally, when something fresh and unique comes out, I already have been listening to it for 9 months. For example, Fallout Boy, Death Cab for Cutie, the Killers, My Chemical Romance, Hawthorne Heights, Yellowcard, Bowling for Soup, Good Charlotte, Simple Plan... and I could name many more. I had been listening and enjoying them all until they started being played on the radio. Then, they started being overplayed. And everything, absolutely everything is overplayed. If a song is decent, they will play it until the first chord triggers your gag reflex. That is why I depend so much on my iPod. It is my only relief from repetitive, mindless, crappy music.
So imagine my surprise when I heard, on the radio, a song that I hadn't heard before, from a group that I hadn't heard before, that was fresh and unique. My first reaction was embarrassment over the fact that I was slipping. But then I started listening to the song a little closer.
The song is called "Hate Me" and it is by a group called Blue October. The lyrics talk about the singer trying to come to grips with his past relationship. He realizes how horribly he treated her. She was always there, she was always willing to help, and he never appreciated her love. And emotionally, it is tearing him apart. Because he loves her and wants the best for her, but he knows that he has ruined any chance of being able to help her. He will always be the guy that broke her heart. So he says, "... hate me so you can finally see what's good for you..."
This really hit home with me. This song applies to so many of my relationships in the past. And not just with girls--with family, roommates, friends, basically everyone that I have been in contact with. I was emotionally oblivious for so long, and I missed opportunities to help out the people that I cared about. I just went about my life, concerned with my problems, and ignoring all else. I can see now how much I hurt my friends, and I truly wish I could go back and fix the damage I have done. I wish I could undo all of the damage. Erase the emotional complexes that I created. It kills me when I think about it. My ignorance and selfishness have been the cause of so much pain that it makes me echo the request of the singer--hate me. I want them to know that I am sorry and that I care about them, but those are empty words next to the actions of my past. I want them to be doing ok, but I am afraid that trying to go back and make amends will just make it worse. So I just hope they have closure. I hope they have peace. And if it means they need to hate me, so be it.
But then, a voice in the back of my head told me to think about God. How much have we hurt Him? He sent his Son to us, and what did we do? What about all of those times that we have sinned? Each and every time we sin we are breaking God's heart. After all He has done for us, we spit on the sacrifice of Christ because of our own selfishness. What right do we have to expect God to love us? How can we thoughtlessly accept God's love? Why would he love us? To think that God still loves me despite all of the things that I have done--how can I ever accept that? How can I live with myself knowing that God loves me so much, and I have lived oblivious to His love? All of the things that He has done for me, all of His love, and what have I been able to give Him in return?
This isn't necessarily a post about theological truth. This is a post about an emotional epiphany. I have heard about this my whole life, but it never really hit home. And I don't think it has totally hit me yet. It has only started. This wave of emotion comes every time I start thinking about it. It is like the feeling with my friends, but not fully developed yet. This might not make sense to all of you. I don't know if I can explain emotions to those of you who have never really felt. It took a lot for me to learn to feel emotions. Maybe some of you haven't gotten there yet. I don't know. But I do know that I am only beginning to see God's love for me. And that I am only beginning to nourish my love for Him.
posted by oneweekend at 7:05 PM
1 Comments:
I hear you, friend. Can't say I totally appreciate the song, but I'm glad to hear you were thinking through the theology of it and how we should respond to others around us in light of our view of God.
In regards to emotion and coming to understand what God's done for us, this one's a favorite right now as I look back on the last 8 years since I trusted in Christ as Savior. This song rings just as true in my heart today as it did the first time I heard it (two months after I received Christ). This one's like "It Was for Me." I can't sing it without crying as I think about how I don't deserve all God's done for me.
How Can It Be?
(#156 in Majesty Hymnal)
O Savior as my eyes behold
the wonders of Thy might untold
the heav'ns in glorious light arrayed
the vast creation Thou hast made
And yet to think Thou lovest me-
My heart cries out, "How can it be?"
How can it be?
How can it be?
That God should love a soul like move,
O, how can it be?
As at the cross I humbly bow
and gaze upon Thy thorn crowned brow
and view the precious bleeding form
by cruel nails so bruised and torn,
to know Thy suff'ring was for me,
in grief I cry, "How can it be?"
How can it be?
How can it be?
That God should love a soul like move,
O, how can it be?
How can it be? How can it be?
Was ever grace so full and free!
From heights of bliss to depths of woe
in loving kindness Thou didst go
from sin and shame to rescue me-
O Love Divine, how can it be?
How can it be?
How can it be?
That God should love a soul like move,
O, how can it be?
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